Jul 232014
 

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PORN: n. Media that is regarded as emphasizing the sensuous or sensational aspects of a nonsexual subject and stimulating a compulsive interest in their audience. (Dictionary.com)

~ or revised ~

PORN: n. Media  Any media, object, person, or sheer mention of something that is regarded as emphasizing the sensuous or sensational aspects of a nonsexual subject and stimulating a compulsive interest in their audience. 

These all qualify when you’ve been out on the trail/in the wilderness for over 2 weeks:

  1. Grapefruit juice
  2. Frothy soapy bubbles
  3. Clean underwear
  4. New gear
  5. A sit pad
  6. Another human being willing to talk or listen to you
  7. Music through good speakers
  8. Dry socks
  9. Detailed topographical maps, paper ones, that are clean
  10. A heavy fiction novel
  11. A water source that is a spring
  12. Baby wipes
  13. Anything cold and carbonated
  14. A wifi connection
  15. A full-sized toothbrush or, my God,  a Sonicare
  16. Hot tubs/Hot springs
  17. Somebody touching you
  18. The next trip idea
  19. Care packages with a handwritten card tucked into them
  20. Air conditioning
  21. Fire
  22. An empty piece of paper and working pencil
  23. Cheese
  24. A mountain to be summited
  25. Someone’s dog
  26. Ice
  27. A home-baked artfully frosted birthday cake
  28. A foot massage
  29. Actual sex
  30. Uninterrupted sleep and a good whopping eight hours of it, without dreams
  31.  French-pressed coffee
  32. A big fluffy pillow with a clean white pillowcase on it
  33. Bare feet on carpet
  34. Clean, smoothed, moisturized skin
  35. Costumes
  36. Mosquito free dinner time
  37. Memory foam mattresses
  38. Pedicures with pink pearlized nail polish
  39. The sound of someone you love’s voice
  40. A geeky month long projection of weather patterns and snow levels of where you’re heading into
  41. An encountered happy person
  42. Unexpected free stuff
  43. Unexplained side trails
  44. Really good sunglasses
  45. Sparklers
  46. Weekend campers having barbecues
  47. White shoes
  48. Blueberries
  49. Hot water
  50. Half a mile of flat trail
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  3 Responses to “50 Things That Qualify as Porn When You’ve Been in the Wilderness Way Too Long”

  1. 1, 23, 27, 31, 36, 46, 48, 49, oh wait that’s just all the “food” ones. :-P

  2. all are important but 48 (in the general sense of fresh fruit/veggies) and 15 (really clean teeth) and 30 top my list. After which #29 comes into play. So to speak. :)

  3. This is epic.

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