Well the day is coming soon, too soon, when someone will ask me “How are doing?” and before I can get the muscle control to stop my mouth from moving I will answer ” tired”. There will be one day, maybe two if I remember to take a LOT of supplements,in every section when I feel phenomenal. Other than that, I’m freakishly tired. I don’t know where I am or where my next stop is or the last time I ate or the name of that mountain or if I’ve ever met that other hiker before (all men’s faces are completely swallowed by hair by this point) or what the date is or even if I’m on trail or not. I’m probably permanently hypnotized by the pace of my own walking and am always surprised by where I am when I think to look up from the trail. Washington is an ass kicker exertion wise, and thank God it apologizes for it by presenting me with all of these AMAZING mountains. I love it here.. And I’m really happy.. (and really tired)….
I don’t have an ass. My thighs just unceremoniously END. Besides basic aesthetics, it’s never been an issue. However, this condition presents a few extra challenges to a successful thru-hike and the top ten are as follows:
1. There’s nothing for my pack to rest on. It will keep sliding right on down towards my legs til my shoulders lifeline it. My shoulders don’t enjoy doing this.
2. If I fall, it’s bone on stone. No bouncing action here.
3. I can’t sit down anywhere above 5000 feet. It’s all stone.
4. There exists not a sleeping pad in the world that will recreate the cushioning of an ample ass. My hips are trying to swell to make up for it.
5. I started to look emaciatedly thin after losing only 5 ish pounds causing me to have to answer many companion hiker’s concerned “Are you okay?”s.
6. My pack likes to take my pants or skirt with it as it journeys towards my legs.
7. I’m top heavy and easily unbalanced by winds over 20 mph.
8. Visually, from a distance and with my pack on, I may resemble a large chicken, which might be making hitch hiking more difficult.
9. There’s no “glissading” anywhere for me under any circumstance.
10. My ass is more vulnerable to ass hypothermia from cold rain water dripping onto it from my pack.
These are challenges I’ve creatively confronted and mostly overcome… but I do want the world to know what the ass- less face when attempting a thru-hike.
353.5 more miles.. Can you believe it?