Sep 232011

And the question is, in what situation is it appropriate to pull on the emergency cord??

  • Frequency of odd and loud situations occurring on the street outside my window in the middle of the night ~ 4 times weekly
  • Number of times I’ve come home to cars set intentionally ablaze in front of my apartment ~ 1
  • Times I’ve pondered the possibility that I might live in a questionable neighborhood ~ 3
  • How long it took the bill collectors to find me here ~ 6 weeks
  • Approximate commute time from Brooklyn to work ~ 40 minutes
  • Approximate commute time from work to any late night social event on weekend trains ~ 2 hours
  • Approximate commute time to health food store ~ 20 minutes
  • Approximate time in line at health food store being herded like (organic, free-range) cattle ~ 20 minutes
  • Average number of calories burned in any normal daily commute including efforts spent dodging barreling pedestrians with lit cigarettes ~ 480
  • How long it took me to figure out the transit system ~ to be determined
  • Number of hurricanes survived ~ 1
  • Number of earthquakes survived ~ 1
  • Number of terrorist threats survived ~ 1
  • Number of walks through Times Square alone late at night with a big pink box of cupcakes in my hands survived ~ 66
  • Number of bagpipers I have to walk past to get to work ~ 1
  • Number of acrobatic dancers I have to walk past to get to work ~ 8
  • Number of recently laid off professionals in M&M and Elmo costumes I have to walk past to get to work ~ 12
  • How long it took me to figure out which train stops have escalators ~ 5 months
  • How long it took me find a decent hardware store ~ 5 months
  • How long it took me feel confident I could figure out which direction I was facing without a compass while exiting an underground train station ~ 7 months
  • How long it took me to become a film fanatic ~ 2 months
  • How long it took before I had my first real experience of total relaxation within city borders ~ 6 months

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